richard_cheney

08:41 pm: Paid Accounts
Damn! All I wanted to do was post a picture in my journal. It was this big rat I shot in the White House basement. I think it was a rat. It was really dark...and it had red eyes...and only the eyes show up in the picture. Well don't ya know that's a paid feature.

How do they expect me to pay for a LJ account? My Halliburton parachute is in escrow. My VP salary is peanuts. And I donate most of the rest to charity. I'm gonna have to just struggle by with a free account for now.

11:39 am: Hunting "Accident"
x-posted on abovetopsecret

Hunting accident my ass! I bagged me a lawyer and I'm gonna hang his pelt on the wall in my office.

10:19 am: If karl_rove happens to come snooping around, you didn't see me, never heard of me, and all you know is I don't frequent this sort of forum.

04:07 pm: I just farted...
...and I caught it in a jar and I'm going to sell it on e-bay. Do you think anyone would buy a vice presidential fart? I could use the extra cash.

11:05 am: Who's the Right-Wingiest Right Wing Nut Job?
Not me. I like to think of myself as a solid Republican without the nut-job part. My choice for the right wingiest, so right it ain't right, nut job is...drum roll...Richard Perle. I hear even his car pulls to the right. He had it adjusted that way at the right-wing nut job alignment center. HAHAHA!!!!

I made a funny. I hate myself for that.

03:11 pm: Karl Rove? Never Heard of Him
Heheh...with all this Karl Rove crap going on, I'm trying to distance myself from the Republican party. Maybe I should start making friends with some Democrats--try to blend in, make some small talk.

God damn Karl! They call you Bush's Brain! You got to be smarter than that. It prolly seemed like a good idea at the time, I know, but hey...no offense man, I can't hang around with you anymore--at least until this blows over.

01:29 pm: Clean Bill of Health for Moi
Yep. The doctors say I can continue to lie, cheat, steal, and be my charming self. My super hi-tech, top secret, arhythmiating, infarction-activated watchamacallit is working just fine. I've been exercising on my bike and walking two miles a day.

That thing implanted in my chest is actually not what's keeping my ticker working. Nope, it's only activated when it detects al-qaeda cells growing in my body or if my heart comes under attack or increases it's alert status.

They should place one in the London subway system.

Correction: Karl says al-qaeda cells cannot grow inside a human body. What does that smarty-pants know anyway?

05:59 pm: War of the Worlds
Went to see War of the Worlds as promised with ratkrycek, angry_ferret, mad_jamison, and my good non-LJ friend Karen.

The limo peeled rubber at about 2:10pm and we got there in time to see all the commercials. I forget which movies they previewed.

War of the Worlds, my friends, is closer to reality than you all think. That's totally on the QT. The little "green" men are already more of a force in the current administration than anyone wants to admit. You didn't hear it from me, but almost every Congressman (and woman) is in their pocket. That's how the alien agenda gets carried out--that and the Presidential orders! This post will be categorically denied if it falls into the wrong hands.

Anyway...it was a really scary movie.

02:40 pm: Dick Cheney is not Evil!!!
I've been reading about myself online. People say bad things about me. It makes me sad. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night.

BAAAAH!!! I'll find them and do bad things to all of them!! I'll piss on their front steps! I'll raise their taxes! I'll write to their local newspapers and say things about them! I'll show them!!!!!

11:20 am: Aaarghh!
The problem is that George requires adult supervision. We're close, but between you and me this shit is getting old and so am I.

Oh and liberals suck! Woohoo!

03:05 pm: "Politically Motivated" and Hot Damn Tomorrow's Payday!
We all have our motives.

George is really the only one of us here in the White House with pure motives. He does what he believes is right. You can say whatever else you want about him--he's stupid, he doesn't know how to read, he's Karl's butt boy--but his heart is pure.

Karl gets his rocks off on this mental ego trip he's on. He likes to control things. He really gets off on that. But he mostly likes to do it from behind the scenes. He doesn't want the spotlight.

Condi Rice has what I call deluded altruism.

Don Rumsfeld is a pussy. Don't get me wrong. He's my friend but he's scared shitless of losing his job. He wasn't always like that. He used to have some balls, but Congress pretty much castrated him.

And me--it's all about money. I don't give two bloody shits what the history books will say. I'll be gone by then. After money it's family--I do love my family. Everybody else can suck ass.

06:31 pm: A Vice President Must Have Self-control
Remember last year when I told Pat Leahy to go fuck himself on the Senate floor? He said my behavior shocked him, but that I was probably just having a bad day.

Well I wasn't having a bad day. It was a good day! --not that I'm in a hurry to do something like that again.

A bunch of my so-called friends kinda did this thing to me like--did you ever watch "Stewart Saves His Family"?--I think it's called an intervention. It's where a bunch of your closest friends and family confront you about your behavior.

I mean, it made me feel really weird and creepy. Here they are telling you they love you and they're doing something to help you, but you feel like they're stabbing you in the fucking back. I never told anyone this, but I cried myself to sleep that night.

01:18 pm: Damn These Mood Swings!
That about sums it up. Leave me alone.

04:36 pm: Where Do I Go When I "Disappear"?
I've been seeing a lot of speculation in the "press" about my so-called "mysterious disappearances".

You want to know where I go? None of your goddam business, that's where! Maybe I'm having another heart attack. Maybe I'm cloning myself. Maybe I'm wandering the streets. Maybe I have to think. Somebody in this administration has to. I didn't say that. I'll deny every word.

Anyway, call me disloyal but, I'm tired of making George look good all the time, and in case you didn't notice it's not working. Three more goddam years. I don't know if I can take it.

02:40 pm: Ok then...let's get down to business
Heheh...just kinda getting my feet wet here. This internet is quite the thing. I got Karl to show me a few things, but it takes a little getting used to.

Liberals Suck! Woohoo!